Dreams of Football, Blowfish, and Oliver from the Brady Bunch

There are two ways you can interpret dreams. The first is to analyze each detail and try and tie it to some behavior in your life and then come to some ridiculous conclusion. Like how the dream is telling you that you need to drink more juice or that you need to visit your mother. 

The second way is to look at the entire dream, spend a second trying to remember if anyone was naked, chuckle, and then go on with your day. 

Last night I had an odd one - I was playing in an important football game. On the penultimate play I was heading onto the field to play halfback. We were facing 4th and 1, up by 2, with only a few minutes left on the clock. One problem - I had no idea if I was supposed to get the ball on the play.

As I waited for the snap, I figured I would just wing it and if the QB gave me the ball I'd keep running. The ball instead went to some mid 40s bald white guy with a mustache who was playing fullback. I tried to make a block, but I realized the defender was a female wearing a long white dress. As I normally would when faced with a female wearing what potentially could be a wedding gown, I ran the other way.

Not to be deterred, the fullback blasted over the woman in the dress and ran down the field before doing an interpretive modern dance between the 20 yard line and the end zone. The dance succeeded in running the remaining time off the clock and allowed our team to claim victory. It was a big moment.

If you were to interpret this, you might point to details such as me not knowing the play, attempting to make it up as I went along, and then running away when I had the chance to do something. You could then come to the conclusion that this means I pay little attention to things, live life by the seat of my pants and run away from potential opportunities while others get the glory. Maybe we could be completely literal and say that an interpretive dance class would be one way for me to seize the opportunity of life.

Or we could simply conclude that it's unfortunate that neither the girl in the white dress or the fullback were naked (depending on your taste) and move on.

In college, I had a recurring dream where a overgrown blowfish used to try to make out with me. I'd use every maneuver in the book to get away, but it always persisted. Some fish just never get the hint. One of my over-exuberant female friends came to the conclusion that the fish represented a girl in my life. She was convinced that I should give the fish a chance in my dreams or I would risk never finding out who the fish represented. Not making out with the fish in her mind could possibly lead to missing out on the love of my life. Myself, on the other hand, simply thought it was weird to make out with a fish.

Plus - the fish wasn't naked. It was wearing a tutu.

Generally, I would rather quickly process a dream and move on. However, I do know many people who analyze and overanalyze their dreams. They tell their therapists about it, fortune tellers, their dog, their taxi cab driver, the old woman sitting alone in the subway, a wooden spoon....  anyone. Which is why I shouldn't be surprised that one of the first "Pimplaskin" requests I got was to interpret a dream:

So I have a recurring dream about the Brady Bunch.  See, I am perhaps the world's most knowledgeable Brady Bunch fan.  In my dream, I am a member of the Brady family.  And then that little prick cousin Oliver comes to live with us.  I always thought he ruined the show.  As the dream continues, he spills ketchup on my white t-shirt. I proceed to beat the living crap out of him.  Then I end up in Mike's den and am being lectured, by way of meaningless cliches, by Mike and Carol.  Just before I am handed out a punishment, I wake up, Every time. What the f does this mean?

I'm not a big Brady Bunch fan. I've seen enough to know that many of the show's episodes were focused on family squabbles. So, it stands to reason that in this dream, you are not only a member of the family, but also part of an episode. As the self-proclaimed "worlds most knowledgeable" fan, we know a couple things. First, you are a loser with few friends. Second, you feel the need to brag about your Brady knowledge which makes you a loser with few friends.

Now, as the episode goes along you realize a few things are amiss. First, Oliver is there. Which means you are stuck in the final season of the show. Your life as a Brady will quickly come to an end (apart from reunions of course). Second, you are wearing a white t-shirt. This has to make you angry since the Brady boys were always dressed in vintage trimmed tees or disco shirts. As the "world's most knowledgeable" fan, to show up dressed like you should be a cast member of Grease is embarrassing. So you are sitting there seething that your favorite show is ending and that you are dressed like you are about to watch the T-Birds race Grease Lightning against the Scorpions rather then belt out "It's a Sunshine Day" with Peter and Bobby....

When Oliver, that PRICK Oliver, pours ketchup on you.

Now, admit it - when this happened in your dream, there was canned laughter. There was always canned laughter. And this pushes you over the top because while you were the idiot dressed like you should have been going to Rydell High, the canned audience thinks Oliver is hilarious. And all of a sudden you realize that YOU are the one ruining the show. So not only have you fouled up your own life, you now have fouled up the Brady Bunch! As you sit there listening to Mike's cliches, this sorry realization hits you. And the reason you wake up before you get your punishment is because waking up IS your punishment. You aren't a Brady. You are simply a loser with few friends.

And the worst part about it, no one appears to be naked in this dream. Depending on your taste, next time you might as well have the Brady of your choice show up naked. That might make you feel better when you wake up. Oh, and also make sure you aren't wearing that ridiculous white t-shirt.

Sweet Dreams all. Unless you are reading this at work. Then perhaps you should stay awake. Please send your submissions to pimplaskin@gmail.com.  Until next time...