Rapture Dos and Don'ts

It was pointed out to me a few days ago that the world is supposed to end on Saturday. My first reaction was “Cool - I don’t have to pay my bills this month!”  However, while I was going through the process of not paying my bills, certain other thoughts occurred to me. Like, “Why the hell did I start a new blog 2 weeks before the world was supposed to end?” ... and “Hey! Cool topic - let’s blog about the end of the world!”

For those who haven’t heard, sometime on Saturday an event called The Rapture is predicted to occur.  This was new information to me as I always assumed that Rapture was simply a song by Blondie. For those unfamiliar with the tune, Debbie Harry raps during the song about a “Man from Mars” visiting the earth and eating cars, bars, and guitars. It is pointed out during the song that if the bar has a TV on, that bar is safe. So if you believe that Blondie’s version of the event is correct, simply go to the nearest bar with a TV (make sure it’s on though) and you will be safe. I expect that this is how most of my readers spend their Saturdays anyway, so you should be good.

As scary and strange as Blondie’s “rap prediction” is, however, the real Rapture predicts events that are far more bizarre and frightening. It predicts that graves will open, “saved” souls will rise to the heavens, and the rest among us who are temporarily spared will be forced to live among disease, death, and destruction for 5 months until we are finally put out of our misery when the Earth is annihilated - which I believe is the premise for every zombie movie ever made.

So yea - that’s what we are looking forward to.

Now, it might occur to some of you that with the world coming to an imminent end, there are probably many other better things to be doing than reading a blog post. I mean think about the last time we thought the world might end - New Year’s Y2K. How bummed would you have been if you had been reading a blog post that night when - well, when nothing at all happened. That being said, this could very well be the most important blog post you’ll ever read as I aim to provide you with tips of what to do and what not to do on Saturday night. So this is my parting gift to you as we prepare for the End of World as We Know It (and I feel fine):

DON’T Tell someone you love them. I’m telling you now - don’t waste your time. The best case scenario is “I love you too”, but who cares - you won’t be around to enjoy that mutual love. Worst case scenario is they don’t tell you the same and you head into the end of world unrequited. Wait, actually worse case scenario is that you say it to someone who ends up as a zombie. And then you get chased around by a love struck zombie for 5 months.

DO Tell someone you hate them. On the flip side, what better way to celebrate everyone’s demise than telling your arch nemesis how much they suck? There’s no sense in seeking forgiveness or calling a truce when there is no tomorrow. So why not just use them to vent your end of the world frustrations? Trust me, there is only upside in this.

DON’T Visit the grocery store. Why spend money on something Saturday that will be available for free Sunday?

DO Visit your local bar. Aside from saving yourself from the possible rhyme-possessed “Man from Mars” eating you, this is a much better way of utilizing your rainy day funds. Besides, with the right amount of alcohol, you stand to forget that the Rapture even occurred Sunday morning. (“Uhhhh hey - I feel like the world ended last night....  what happened?”)

DON’T Pray for forgiveness. While it may be true that saved souls do rise to the heavens with the promise of an eventual return to earth, it’s likely too late for you. Why waste your time? Besides, this earth is going to be annihilated in 5 months. Do you really want to take your chances with this “new earth”? The rest of those “saved souls” probably aren’t all that much fun anyway.

DO Streak Naked. While this suggestion is partly because there are some of you I would like to see naked, it also is because Saturday night might be the last time you have the option to streak naked without the possibility of getting eaten by a zombie.

DON’T Worry where your friends and family are. If there is ever a time to live in the present and not the past or future, it’ll be Saturday night. Is mom calling on the phone? Hit ignore. No time for chit chat with Mom when you’re trying to make the most of your last few moments.

DO Eat pop rocks and drink coke at the same time. The Rapture thing isn’t a myth, so why not see what other myths might be true? If your stomach explodes, who cares - you’re only living 5 more months anyway. 

And with that, I wish you all well this Saturday night. If you have other tips for the readers, feel free to include them in the comments section below. I can be reached directly until Saturday night at pimplaskin@gmail.com. Oh, and just so you all know - I hate you.