Thursday, December 8, 2011

T.C.A.G.

Trust yourself. Trust your nature. Trust who you are and that you are right. Trust your mind. Trust that you can get through anything. Trust who you love. Trust that your life is yours and no one else. Trust what you believe - and nothing else should matter.

Challenge yourself. Challenge what you are told. Challenge what are norms and what is accepted. Challenge the world. Challenge your love. Challenge that your life is yours and no one should dictate it. Challenge what others believe - and strengthen what you believe in.

Accept yourself. Accept your faults. Accept you make mistakes. Accept that you are different and that allows for disagreement.  Accept that there is compromise. Accept that you have weakness. Accept that you know yourself better that anyone else, and no one can tell you otherwise.

Give yourself. Give with all your heart.  Give to those you care about. Give to those you love.  Give your time. Give your attention. Give all of what you have until there is no more to give. Give your mind. Give your soul. Give what you can - and you'll receive more than you would ever ask.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Are you a good decision maker?

The interesting thing about giving people advice is that they usually don't want it. All they want is validation that they are right. If you don't think what they think - then you are wrong. So at a certain point the best thing you can tell people is to trust themselves. Of course, that brings us back to original dilemma - they still are asking you if what they are doing is right. So to give those people some peace of mind, I decided to google tips on how to make good decisions that we can all use the evaluate our decision making abilities. These were the results.... with my commentary added of course:

1. Make your decision in advance: Our biggest problem is that we have not pre-destined all of our actions. If we already had robotically planned what we should do in any given situation, we would have no problems. So, for tomorrow, I have decided I will make a million dollars. 

2. Trust your gut: People always talk about whether they should listen to their heart or their head. Apparently the answer is neither. You should listen to your gut. Make your belly button talk. Are you doing it? Good. Then just trust what your belly button said and go with it.

3. Know when to trust experience: Have you been here before? Think of the decision you made in previous situations and evaluate whether that is your preferred scenario. For example, if your preferred scenario is to be in Keira Knightley's bed and you have never achieved that, you are probably doing something wrong. 

4. Activate your network: If you are a terrible decision maker, you should just rely on others to tell you what to do. So in other words, join a cult.

5. Choose your battles: If you have thought way too much over the decision, you have stagnated. Life is going on around you. And you are missing it because you can't choose right, left, up, down, back, forth....  we will never know for sure what's the best way to go. But if we agonize over that and don't choose a direction, we wouldn't grow, experience more, and become who we are destined to be. So at some point we all need to let it go, let life take us.....  and smile.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Let Freedom Ring (Inside of You)

Last week those of us that live in the United States celebrated 235 years of our country’s Independence. This has a large significance to some – to others it’s simply a day to get together with family and friends. However you celebrate is your choice, your freedom. There is no set rule or ritual. And that’s part of why we should never take living in this country for granted.
To be “free” means a lot of different things depending on whom you are.  Even if I follow my own "crazy" liberal agenda, I can decipher that what this country offers is a lot better than what other places have. At a certain point, though, to get all the way to “freedom”, things have to stop being a legal doctrine and start being an individual responsibility. For example, there is a point where freedom of speech and thought intersects with freedom of race, religion, gender, and sexual preference.  So while I’m going to stop short of saying that you shouldn’t say what you want or feel, I am going to ask that we all take a moment to consider the impact of our words.
As an example, overheard on July 4th as the fireworks were in full glorious, patriotic display were the words: “Take that you Islamic jerks!”
I’ve edited those words for content.
As much as I enjoy the enthusiasm felt during the moment, the choice of words left something to be desired on a day when we are supposed to be celebrating “Independence” and “freedom”.  This isn’t a blog asking you to reconsider your views on the world. It is a blog asking you to think about the choice of words and the impact it has. Considering the above statement was used during a crowded fireworks show in the Nation’s capital, it certainly could have been overheard by many. And the same can be said about commentary I’ve heard disparaging many others who are, technically, allotted the supposed freedoms granted by living in this great country.
So as we move forward, let’s all stay patriotic and support our troops who serve, fight, and protect for our freedoms. But let’s also take a few moments to question whether we live and respect those freedoms from others on a daily basis. I realize there are a lot of freedoms that we are granted "legally" that don't exist in other places in the world. But take that a step further and think about the messages you send in speech and thoughts and question if you are accurately portraying the concept of freedom on an individual level. I certainly do not want to snub any of our armed services who have chosen to dedicate their profession to serve and protect the USA. But I do think there is more than "fighting" for freedom and "protecting" our freedom. It's also about each one of us individually living and believing in it. And I do believe if we all did live and believe in true "freedom" and "equality", then perhaps the need to have those who serve, fight, and protect would be a lot less.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Evil Daddy

The last couple weeks have been a little crazy with me trying to adjust to a different schedule. It's taken a toll on me - but apparently it's taken a toll on my dog as well. He requested a spot this week in my blog, so turning it over to him for this post:
So I have been informed that this is a blog read by mostly humans. I am thankful for that because an audience of dogs wouldn’t help me. I understand why dogs do what they do. Humans on the other hand, I sometimes really don't get them. Even the human that I know best in the world, my Daddy, makes little sense to me.

For example, a few weeks ago Daddy started leaving home during the day again. The first day he decided to be nice and give me access to all the yummy stuff in the fridge when he left for work. So I went in and helped myself to the spaghetti sauce he made the night before. I was so appreciative of Daddy doing this to me, I licked the entire container clean so he wouldn't have to clean it out for me when he returned home. I also left him one of the containers so he would have some of it when he came home.

Anyway, when Daddy returned home, he got mad and started gesturing at the floor. And then he took out a towel and this scary spray bottle and started scrubbing the floor. I mean, I'm a dog. And plus it's not like he left me a plate, fork, and knife when he left the house. I even had to open the container myself - and I'm not like a human! I don't have opposable thumbs! You can imagine how difficult opening it was! So explain how was I supposed to NOT get spaghetti sauce on the floor! If he really wanted me to eat it the right way, he should have just left it in my food bowl before he left. Of course, sometimes I like to dump my food bowl on the floor when he leaves just to show him that I was thinking of him while he was gone (which he also gets mad about sometimes - see you people make no sense! I am just trying to show Daddy I care and he totally takes it the wrong way!) but I certainly wouldn't have had he left me yummy spaghetti sauce.

Since that incident, Evil Daddy has begun to lock the fridge again to prevent me from getting in. And more recently, Evil Daddy has started putting things on his bed to make it more difficult for me to take the sheets off his bed and use them to hide my bones in case someone comes and tries to steal them while he's gone. I mean, I can still pull clothes out of his hamper to hide the bones, but I think we can all agree that sheets provide better cover for bones! So please, all you humans out there that read this - can you tell me how I can get Nice Daddy back tha
t leaves the fridge unlocked and the bed unmade? 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

To the Extreme

At some point in the last several years, a good portion of American society has deemed that it is uncool to be “in the middle”. Or “normal”. As a self-proclaimed socialist, I don’t absolve myself of this phenomenon. However, I don’t want to get political in this blog. There are many flaws in our political system and people pushing themselves further right or left is only one of the issues. Besides, it’s not only our political views where I’ve noticed people take things to the extreme. 
For example, how many times have you heard someone express to you that this is the “worst day ever” (I can hear the Simpson’s comic book guy now). It would stand to reason that your worst day ever would be the day that you die – so the fact that you can stand in front of me and utter that phrase automatically disqualifies this particular day being your worst day. Unless you are uttering it from your death bed, of course.
But even taking that further, let’s say you were only trying to point out that it was the worst day you’ve had in your life up until that point. This is a much more probable possibility. The problem arises with when you ask someone “Why, what’s wrong?” Typically you’ll get a mumbled answer along the line of “Oh – someone is a jerk at work, I have a headache, someone cut in front of me in the line at Starbucks, I had to pay way too much for gas…”  Now while these are all unfortunate incidents and combined they would make for a highly unfortunate day, I’d say if that is your worst day ever, you probably lead a semi charmed life (cue Third Eye Blind).
The same can be applied to whenever we label something as the “Best ever”. The definition of “ever”, by the way, indicates any time – past, present OR future. Are we so confident as to label something as the best ever when we don’t have any comparison into the future? Anything short of Emmett Brown’s time machine from Back to the Future would prevent anyone from proving you wrong. But it would also take Rufus from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure to prove you right.
As time and life go by, the more we push ourselves to extremes, the further we get from understanding the true human condition. Most of us are simply trying to get along with our lives and do the best we can. Some days we do better than others. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself in extremes, but at the same time a communication that gravitates to a more “middle” state would make it easier for people to understand you and for you to understand them.
So while I invite everyone to continue to express their individuality – perhaps this weekend instead of saying “WOW – this is the best movie ever!” or “This is the most wasted I’ve been ever!” we should try and communicate what we really mean. For example, “I really enjoyed that movie. The characters were great and I was entertained throughout. It’s possible it’s up there among my personal favorites. What did you think?” Or “I’m really drunk right now. And it’s totally possible that I love you, but it’s likely that’s just the alcohol talking. If you would like to dance that would be cool, but overall, I just want to know if you are enjoying your night. But if you can just hold on for a second, I need to vomit.”
Send any commentary to pimplaskin@gmail.com. Talk to you again in a few days!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Possibilities - A Love or Hate Story, Part 2

This is part 2 of a short story.  Read part 1 here.

Perhaps leaving town and becoming a traveling carnival freak is the answer. It has to be better than sitting here depressed, drinking a six pack every night, waiting for the girl of your dreams to pry herself off of one of three nipples.
Wait, did I just classify Naomi as the girl of my dreams? Gotta admit, that even sounds odd to me. How could she be the girl of my dreams when she’s galavanting all around town with a guy who possibly could need a jockstrap for his chest? I’ve been with girls who were the jealous type - hating that I had other friends who were women. They will always ask about your woman friends “Why aren’t you with her?”.  Let me tell you - there is no right answer to that question. If you say they aren’t your type, you get called out on being judgmental. You say anything else - well, let’s just say you end up sleeping alone that night. And maybe for several nights beyond that.
I’ve also been with the clingy types. You know, the girls that need to do everything with you. “Hey doll - I’m heading out to get my colon cleansed.” “Wait - let me get my sweater!”.  Maybe I should get my colon cleansed. I hear you can lose 8-10 pounds that way.
And then there is the dependent types. These ones can seem so sweet - except when you are their boyfriend. Then you have to pretend to care and be mortified about how they “went to work and some girls said her toenails were painted a strange color and that girl is such a bitch and probably wears a wig and....”

Naomi isn't any of those. Apparently she's just the cheating type. Perhaps that should be forgivable. I'm sure there is some part of this that is my fault anyway. Cheating certainly does seem more tolerable than all of the above problems. At least the indiscretion isn't personally shoved in your face.
The banjo playing is looking like a better idea. I totally would be awesome at it too. 

“I’m Neil and banjo playing’s my thang
Here to brighten you day, that’s what I sang!
Your life might suck, but hey, so does mine
But at least we have only two nipples, that’s divine!”
OK, so maybe the banjo ain’t necessary. And maybe the lyrics need work. And perhaps it would work better as a rap song. Either way, there are possibilities. 
And what possibilities do I have now. I could just go sit in front of the door waiting to confront her. And then when she walked in, I’d tell it to her straight. I’ll say “Look, Naomi, I’m sorry I don’t have as many nipples as you prefer in a man. I think we should split up.”
That sounds reasonable enough. I just need to grab some more beer to make sure I go through with it. How many more... Two? Three? Maybe just one extra for the hobbit in the ceiling. Is it bad that I need beer to help me through this? Well, I guess the upshot would be if she walked in with Kevin, the 4 beers I have would be enough for all of us. Me, Naomi, Kevin, and Kevin’s 3rd nipple. What a party that would be! 
So this was finally gonna be it! I was going to wait up for Naomi. Where to wait though? I could wait in our old bed which is now her bed because she kept sleeping in it the one night I decided to go sleep in the guest room. I’ve remained in the guest room since I still haven’t got the apology I deserved that night. She would definitely not miss me there - barring her not coming home, which I’m not dismissing as a possibility. However, it’s more likely I pass out in there, which might be misconstrued or even invite anger - could go either way.
So the living room is likely a safer bet. I’m just going to sit in the living room chair and wait until she walks in. Maybe if I do that I won’t even have to say anything. She’d just look at me and know and just spill the beans herself! I’ll give her the “guilt” look my mom used to give me. Let’s just get some practice going in front of the mirror. Ok, maybe I can’t get this down...  it looks like I just need to fart.
Alright - gonna crack open the beer and wait. And, oh! There it is - the key in the lock. Look casual - take a sip. There she is opening the door! Give her the fart look!
“Hey - sorry I’m late. You have to work tomorrow, don’t drink all those beers. Make that your last one. I’m going to bed. Good night.”
Say something dammit! "Ok. Night!"

Not that you idiot!  And now she's already in the main bedroom with the door closed...  

I guess the confrontation can wait for another night. And maybe there will be other possibilities.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Possibilities - A Love or Hate Story, Part 1

Strange - I never noticed that crack in the ceiling. Such an interesting crevice. Maybe 5 or 6 inches long but zigging and zagging in it’s route. Wonder where it might go next? Would it zig again? Or perhaps just make a beeline to the closest wall? How did it get there? Has it always been there and am I just seeing it now? Or did it happen recently? It’s the mystery of the ceiling crack. Perhaps there is a ghost up there. Or better yet - a little hobbit scribing to eventually tell the world about the life of Neil and Naomi.
I can’t believe Naomi still isn’t home. It is now approaching 4:30 am and there is no way this can last. Three nights in a row I’ve been like this - depressed and staring at the ceiling. Life is not meant to be like this. Strangely, I’m not at all concerned about Naomi. Yea - maybe that makes me an asshole. An unconcerned significant other. It’s possible she could be lying unconscious on the road somewhere or maybe even trapped in our condo’s elevator surrounded by a dozen slimy lizards. But why should that make a difference? That would be the excuse this time - but this ain’t the first time.
Am I jealous freak? I would like to think I’m not. I mean - Naomi has made new friends in the past and it never bothered me. So what’s up with this time? Should I care that she is with guys younger that me and that I never met them? Should that make it different? No - I think I should be all for it. She could use a new confidant, a new buddy. Life would be better for Naomi! I just wish I could meet this new confidant.
At least I know this douchebag’s name. Kevin. Three straight nights out with this Kevin with increasingly late end times...  somehow there is always a reason that I am not invited. Obviously we don’t have a thriving relationship so I can understand her desire to get away. But does she really have to spend ALL her time with this Kevin and his three nipples? Shouldn’t she be spending some of that time fixing what wrong with us - me and her?  And no, I do not know how many nipples Kevin has, but it’s easier for me to think of him with some serious debilitation than otherwise.
Wait - is it possible she won’t come home at all tonight? Wouldn’t that be something. The clock says 4:47. At what point is there no hope? Or at what point do I call the security guard to make sure the elevator is working? Or maybe call the zoo to see if they are missing reptiles from the lizard hut.
Where the heck did that crack come from? I am totally going to seal it up by shooting lasers from my eyes. Concentrate Neil-san! You can do it! Come on boy! DAMN! Foiled again. Friggin eye lasers never work.
Ok - clearly this is a relationship that has to end. I just need to figure out the conversation.  How about saying - “Naomi, I think you and 3 nips might have something. I can no longer stand in the way of true happiness. Here’s your share of the security deposit - hopefully that’s enough to cover the nipple removal surgery.”
How the hell do you end something with someone you let your whole life revolve around? I’m mature enough to handle this delicately....  wait, I’ll just leave!  Yes! I’ll just go check into a hotel and drive far away tomorrow morning!  I’ll buy a banjo and become a singing telegram going from town to town singing songs of love past by to all the forlorn! It totally beats staying here and going to the same boring job after getting 3 hours sleep every night. Although, gotta admit - did like the dumb job when I was well rested. Even if it didn’t involve much banjo playing.

Part 2 Next Week.....

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Potential

As he looked at her, there was something that he thought he took for granted. It wasn’t her. That could never be the case. It was her potential.

Potential is the abilities within a person that can be developed and lead to future successes. All of us are born with some level of it. Those who achieve it do so because they desire more. They are interested in accomplishment.

Those who do no achieve it become distracted. He never wanted to be a distraction. But now he wondered if he was.

As younger people, he looked at her and saw a girl with overwhelming passion and strength who could challenge even the best in the world. Now, as elders, he saw someone who he had failed.

He had once seen the motivation. They both had the desire to be better people. To do things in the world and make it a better place. They talked at length about conquering social injustice, charitable causes, and fulfilling the passions and dreams they had shared.

Then life had happened. First, a death in the family. Then a job loss. Then an accidental pregnancy. The raising of a child. The affair. The near ending of the relationship.

From each one they had recovered. But at what cost? One by one, personal and professional opportunities were sacrificed. Little by little, the unfulfilled potential seemingly became more impossible to achieve.

He thought about all they had fought through. Alone, their pain would have been half as much and maybe that potential would have been reached. Together, they had to manage their relationship and make tough choices and compromises along the way. They were always willing. It was for the betterment of them, their family, their life.

But what life was it? Had they been happy?

He looked at her now and saw her looking the other way and gazing off in the distance. He wondered if her thoughts had travelled the same path. Was this a gaze of sorrow and regret?

He said to her, “I’m sorry baby. I’ve let you down. You could have been so much more.”

She turned and he could see her eyes filled with imagination and passion just like he had seen in her as a young girl.

“No sweetheart. You didn’t let me down. You’ve held me up.”

It was then he realized that the potential was still there. It hadn’t gone away through the years. He stood up, grabbed both her hands, helped her stand up, and stared deep into those passionate eyes.

“Then - let’s go accomplish something.”


It's never too late to realize your potential.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Shattering Labels

I have an amusing, perhaps ridiculous, last name. Names are our most defining characteristic. It’s given to us when we are born and unless you undergo some sort of legal process it stays with you until it’s etched on your tombstone, urn, or whatever when you pass.
We go through life with our name as our stamp. You put it on the top of every paper you write throughout school. It’s the first line on your college applications. I hope it’s the first line on your resume - if not, that might explain why you’re unemployed. It’s right there when you file your taxes. When you introduce yourself, it’s what you say.
Our second most defining characteristic is our age. People may try to hide from it, others may revel in it (my neighbor has a kid who proudly pronounces that he is “8 and a half” whenever he sees me). It’s an indication of our passing of years. Some try to claim it’s an indication of wisdom. It is not. It’s just a number.
So we have our name and our age. That’s who we are. And it certainly is enough to distinguish people from one another. I ask any of my friends if they would ever get confused if someone said “Do you know the 36 year old Ravi Pimplaskar?” 
“Which one?”
People choose to individualize themselves further. They get tattoos or piercings. Or make certain fashion choices. This is how we express ourselves. It’s making a statement. People may interpret that statement differently. But that’s what makes personal statements so great - they are open to interpretation. 
But that doesn’t define us. It’s an expression of what we are - what we do. Saying “She’s the gal with the tattoo” tells you nothing about that particular person. If it does, you are stretching and jumping to conclusions.
People also choose to identify with different things. My heritage is Indian. I root for (mostly) teams from Pittsburgh. I am a Democrat (likely socialist). I have a blog with my name on it. These associations are how we have chosen to relate. People may choose to feel about certain associations differently. But that’s what makes associations so great - they are susceptible to feelings.
But these associations don’t define us. It’s simply proof of being a living, breathing individual. Saying “He’s the socialist who roots for the Steelers” shouldn’t tell you how you feel about that person one way or another.
I base my life on human interaction. I care about your name because that’s what I want to call you. I don’t care about anything else. You be who you want to be. I’ll be who I am. Free of judgment. 
That’s how I want to live life. 

The Coming Out Party

I am gay.

This is me coming out because I don’t want to go home with a random female.
I am gay.
This is me coming out because I think a marriage contract is about legality not about love.
I am gay.
This is me coming out because society doesn’t believe that true love exists.
I am gay. 
This is me coming out because I don’t care what you think.

I am gay.

This is me coming out because if saying "I am straight" means I am part of the majority - I would rather not.

I am gay.

This is me coming out and saying, if the world won't accept who we love, then it really doesn't matter who we are.

I am happy. Because if you have read this far, it's because life isn't about judgment.

I am Ravi. Who are you? 

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rapture Dos and Don'ts

It was pointed out to me a few days ago that the world is supposed to end on Saturday. My first reaction was “Cool - I don’t have to pay my bills this month!”  However, while I was going through the process of not paying my bills, certain other thoughts occurred to me. Like, “Why the hell did I start a new blog 2 weeks before the world was supposed to end?” ... and “Hey! Cool topic - let’s blog about the end of the world!”
For those who haven’t heard, sometime on Saturday an event called The Rapture is predicted to occur.  This was new information to me as I always assumed that Rapture was simply a song by Blondie. For those unfamiliar with the tune, Debbie Harry raps during the song about a “Man from Mars” visiting the earth and eating cars, bars, and guitars. It is pointed out during the song that if the bar has a TV on, that bar is safe. So if you believe that Blondie’s version of the event is correct, simply go to the nearest bar with a TV (make sure it’s on though) and you will be safe. I expect that this is how most of my readers spend their Saturdays anyway, so you should be good.
As scary and strange as Blondie’s “rap prediction” is, however, the real Rapture predicts events that are far more bizarre and frightening. It predicts that graves will open, “saved” souls will rise to the heavens, and the rest among us who are temporarily spared will be forced to live among disease, death, and destruction for 5 months until we are finally put out of our misery when the Earth is annihilated - which I believe is the premise for every zombie movie ever made.
So yea - that’s what we are looking forward to.
Now, it might occur to some of you that with the world coming to an imminent end, there are probably many other better things to be doing than reading a blog post. I mean think about the last time we thought the world might end - New Year’s Y2K. How bummed would you have been if you had been reading a blog post that night when - well, when nothing at all happened. That being said, this could very well be the most important blog post you’ll ever read as I aim to provide you with tips of what to do and what not to do on Saturday night. So this is my parting gift to you as we prepare for the End of World as We Know It (and I feel fine):
DON’T Tell someone you love them. I’m telling you now - don’t waste your time. The best case scenario is “I love you too”, but who cares - you won’t be around to enjoy that mutual love. Worst case scenario is they don’t tell you the same and you head into the end of world unrequited. Wait, actually worse case scenario is that you say it to someone who ends up as a zombie. And then you get chased around by a love struck zombie for 5 months.
DO Tell someone you hate them. On the flip side, what better way to celebrate everyone’s demise than telling your arch nemesis how much they suck? There’s no sense in seeking forgiveness or calling a truce when there is no tomorrow. So why not just use them to vent your end of the world frustrations? Trust me, there is only upside in this.
DON’T Visit the grocery store. Why spend money on something Saturday that will be available for free Sunday?
DO Visit your local bar. Aside from saving yourself from the possible rhyme-possessed “Man from Mars” eating you, this is a much better way of utilizing your rainy day funds. Besides, with the right amount of alcohol, you stand to forget that the Rapture even occurred Sunday morning. (“Uhhhh hey - I feel like the world ended last night....  what happened?”)
DON’T Pray for forgiveness. While it may be true that saved souls do rise to the heavens with the promise of an eventual return to earth, it’s likely too late for you. Why waste your time? Besides, this earth is going to be annihilated in 5 months. Do you really want to take your chances with this “new earth”? The rest of those “saved souls” probably aren’t all that much fun anyway.
DO Streak Naked. While this suggestion is partly because there are some of you I would like to see naked, it also is because Saturday night might be the last time you have the option to streak naked without the possibility of getting eaten by a zombie.
DON’T Worry where your friends and family are. If there is ever a time to live in the present and not the past or future, it’ll be Saturday night. Is mom calling on the phone? Hit ignore. No time for chit chat with Mom when you’re trying to make the most of your last few moments.
DO Eat pop rocks and drink coke at the same time. The Rapture thing isn’t a myth, so why not see what other myths might be true? If your stomach explodes, who cares - you’re only living 5 more months anyway. 
And with that, I wish you all well this Saturday night. If you have other tips for the readers, feel free to include them in the comments section below. I can be reached directly until Saturday night at pimplaskin@gmail.com. Oh, and just so you all know - I hate you. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

Rocky Means What He Says (or Does) Too

I mentioned in my inaugural post that my dog Rocky might add in his two cents occasionally on the blog. I was talking with him about my post earlier in the week, and he basically sat there and stared at me. It occurred to me that he was likely angry about the topic of my post because as a dog he probably gets misunderstood all the time. So I asked him if he “wanted to post on the blog” and he reacted the same way he does every time I ask him if he wants something. He stood up and wagged his tail. So I assumed that meant yes and handed him the computer....
jwqfrouogeriugaieldgkjskf......  Woof! That’s better.  The really need to calibrate keyboards differently for those of us with paws and no opposable thumbs. Dad is correct in that as a dog I do feel very misunderstood. Which is completely idiotic, since it’s not like there are an infinite amount of ways to interpret my behavior. I mean, I’m a dog. Usually I either I want to eat something, pee on something, or sniff something. It’s not that complicated.  But to help you all out, here is my list of things I say or do and what I actually mean:

What I Say or Do
What I Mean
“Woof.”
“Give me a treat”
“Woof!”
“Alert. Someone is here who may either want to attack us or give me a treat.”
“Awrroooo.”
“Hurry up. I have to pee on things.”
“Awrroooo!”
“Where did Daddy go? I might eventually have to pee on things and he’s not here.”
“Grrrr.”
“Stay away from my food.”
“Grrrr!”
“Alert. Someone may be too close to my food even though I hear them in the hall behind a closed locked door.”
<Peeing on a tree>
“The tree is mine now.”
<Peeing on a wall>
“The wall is mine now.”
<Peeing on anything>
“The world is mine now.”
<Sitting and Staring at you>
“Give me a treat”
<Sitting and Staring at you>
“Take me outside.”
<Sitting and Staring at you>
“I’m contemplating world domination by peeing on everything.”
<Wagging my tail>
“I’m so happy! Give me a treat.”
<Wagging my tail>
“I’m so happy! Let’s go pee on things!”
<Panting>
“I’m hot. Give me water. Or a treat.”
<Panting with ears back>
“I’m scared. Get out of my way, I need to hide in the bathtub.”
<Lying down and staring at you>
“Why aren’t you entertaining me by giving me a treat or taking me outside? You’re so boring.”
<Lying down and staring out the window>
“I will pee on that... and that...  and that...”
“ZZZZZ”
“I’m dreaming of treats.”
“ZZZZZ”
“I’m dreaming of peeing on things.”
If you want to reach me, you can email my dad at pimplaskin@gmail.com. Or message me by peeing in the vicinity. Dad will be back next week!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I Meant What I Said

As those who know me well can tell you - I am obsessed with words. Whether it's word play, sentence creations, semantics, definitions, synonyms...  I probably spend way too much time thinking about words. You might be calling me a geek right now while you are reading this, and you would be absolutely right. The definition of "geek" is: "a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality."


And the fact that I just defined "geek" for you proves my geekdom in this area.


As someone who is a word geek, I often wonder if people follow the literal meaning of what I was intending to say or write.  Recently, I used the words "I meant what I said" to validate what was intended to be kind words. It quickly became apparent from the less than gracious response that "I meant what I said" ended up being less a validation of the words I used and more a validation of the interpretation they made of them.


Remember the SATs? Sitting in a overheated classroom, armed with a number 2 pencil, surrounded by classmates madly coloring in bubbles, with the entire "this is your future" cloud over all your collective heads. You turn the page to the "Reading Comprehension" section, read the first paragraph and realize that you didn't actually "comprehend" any of it. So you read it over again.  This process will repeat itself at least 2 or 3 more times before you finally give up and move to paragraph 2 since you needed to leave yourself time to answer the 3-6 multiple choice questions at the conclusion of the passage.


In real life (and by "real life", I mean "SMS", "email" or "Facebook"), there is no multiple choice quiz nor time limit. We can simply read a passage as quickly as we want and respond however we want. This response will often be completely off-topic and irrelevant. Of course, this will result in a similarly off-topic and irrelevant response by the original "author" and so on until basically you are left with a conversation of 30 consecutive off-topic and irrelevant responses. If the SAT "Reading Comprehension" section involved shooting off an off-topic and irrelevant response rather than multiple choice questions after reading each passage, we all would have aced that section.


So combining people's low attention spans and misinterpreting what we say, it seems that we're facing an uphill battle when it comes to truly comprehending each other's intended words. As this blog is still establishing it's purpose, perhaps it's not too lofty of a goal for me to attempt to use it to better our communications.


So in the spirit of understanding each other better, I've compiled the list below of common phrases cross-referenced with their intended meaning. In some cases, you will see the literal meaning does not match the intended meaning. This is not the fault of the communicator, but rather your fault for misinterpretation of their words. You can avoid this by clipping and saving the chart below so anytime people use these phrases, you can pull it out and decipher their actual intent.


What they said
What they meant
“I’m sorry”
“It’s someone else’s fault”
“I’m really sorry” 
“You are making way too big of a deal over this. It’s someone else’s fault”
“I’m really really sorry”
“Leave me the hell alone.”
“Trust me.”
“I hope you can’t hack into my cell phone and email.”
“I trust you” 
“As soon as you turn around, I’m hacking into your cell phone and email”
“I’m telling you the truth.”
“You are an idiot if you are buying any of this.”
“I’m not judging you”
“You are a complete idiot.”
“I’m a huge fan.” (regarding a sports team)
“I can name 3 players on the team.”
“I’m a huge fan.” (regarding a celebrity)
“I’m a stalker.”
“I’ll have one more drink.”
“I’ll be here for awhile.”
“I love you.”
“I’m drunk.”
“No really. I love you.”
 “It’s possible I just threw up.”
“I’m leaving now.”
“I haven’t even jumped in the shower yet.”
“I’ll be over shortly”
“Feel free to watch the entire Godfather trilogy.”
“I’m on my way.”
 “I’m not coming.”
“Can I borrow $1?” 
“Can I have $1?”
“I’ll pay you back.”
“I’m secretly hoping you forget about this.”
“I was just thinking about you.” 
“I totally forgot who you were until a second ago.”
“I was just going to call you.”
“I deleted your number off my phone.”
“I’m crazy busy.”
“I spent the last 3 hours on Facebook.”
“I’m heading to the gym.”
“I’m heading to the gym only if there is nothing good on TV, such as an old ‘Saved by the Bell” episode which I’ve seen 27 times already.”
“I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
“I’m already thinking of excuses to break our plans.”
“I had a great time. Let’s do this again soon.”
“I’m never calling you again.”
“I heard you.” 
“I’m not paying any attention whatsoever.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m listening to something other than you.”
“I meant what I said.”
“My words have no meaning.”


Have any additions to our list? Please add to the comments section below. If you have anything you want commentary or advice on, please send to pimplaskin@gmail.com. Be back again later in the week!