End of The World Do's and Don'ts

So apparently the Mayans have decided the world is going to end on Friday. My first reaction was “Cool - I don’t have to pay my bills this month!”  However, while I was going through the process of not paying my bills, certain other thoughts occurred to me. Like, “Why the hell did I just buy groceries when the world is going to end Friday!” ... and “Hey! Cool topic - let’s blog about the end of the world!”

For those who haven’t heard, many years ago the Mayans made a calendar that apparently expires this Friday.  While this might sound scary, what makes it really frightening is that the Mayans weren't even nice enough to tell us HOW the world will end. So we will all have to surmise what we think it'll look like. 

Perhaps the whole world will be enveloped in flames and we will all be left as particle dust. Or maybe the world will spin into a massive orbit until we are all thrown in different directions destined to float as particle matter throughout the universe for eternity. These possibilities, however, sound very a little too scientifically probable. And if there is one thing I know for sure - it's that you can't trust science.

Which leads us to another possibility - religion. The religious types predict something called the Rapture will happen.  Now truth be told, they have predicted the Rapture many times in the past and have been wrong, but that's even more reason to believe it'll be true this time. We're overdue.  

The Rapture predicts that graves will open, “saved” souls will rise to the heavens, and the rest among us who are temporarily spared will be forced to live among disease, death, and destruction for 5 months until we are finally put out of our misery when the Earth is annihilated - which I believe is the premise for every zombie movie Hollywood ever made. Now there is an upside - after the earth is annihilated, a new Earth will be created for the "saved souls".  But I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that very few of my readers will be among that group.

So yea - that’s what we are looking forward to.  We're all dying sometime between Friday and 5 months from now. But considering this outcome has been affirmed by the 2 most believable things we know in life, Hollywood and religion, it's certain to be true.

Now, it might occur to some of you that with the world coming to an imminent end, there are probably better things to be doing than reading a blog post. I mean think about the last time we thought the world might end - May 21, 2011 (thank you Harold Camping). How bummed would you have been if you had been reading a blog post that night when - well, when nothing at all happened. That being said, this could very well be the most important blog post you’ll ever read as I aim to provide you with tips of what to do and what not to do on Friday night. So this is my parting gift to you as we prepare for the End of World as We Know It (and I feel fine):

DON’T Tell someone you love them. I’m telling you now - don’t waste your time. The best case scenario is “I love you too”, but who cares - you won’t be around to enjoy that mutual love. Worst case scenario is they don’t tell you the same and you head into the end of world unrequited. Wait, actually worse case scenario is that you say it to someone who ends up as a zombie. And then you get chased around by a love struck zombie for 5 months.

DO Tell someone you hate them. On the flip side, what better way to celebrate everyone’s demise than telling your arch nemesis how much they suck? There’s no sense in seeking forgiveness or calling a truce when there is no tomorrow. So why not just use them to vent your end of the world frustrations? Trust me, there is only upside in this.

DON’T Visit the grocery store. Why spend money on something Friday that will be available for free Saturday?

DO Visit your local bar. This is a much better way of utilizing your rainy day funds. Besides, with the right amount of alcohol, you stand to forget that the world even ended Saturday morning. (“Uhhhh hey - I feel like the world ended last night....  what happened?”)

DON’T Pray for forgiveness. While it may be true that saved souls do rise to the heavens with the promise of an eventual return to earth, it’s likely too late for you. Why waste your time? Besides, this earth is going to be annihilated in 5 months anyway. Do you really want to take your chances with this “new earth”? The rest of those “saved souls” probably aren’t all that much fun anyway.

DO Streak Naked. While this suggestion is partly because there are some of you I would like to see naked, it also is because Friday night will be the last time you have the option to streak naked without the possibility of getting eaten by a zombie.

DON’T Worry where your friends and family are. If there is ever a time to live in the present and not the past or future, it’ll be Friday night. Is mom calling on the phone? Hit ignore. No time for chit chat with Mom when you’re trying to make the most of your last few moments.

DO Eat pop rocks and drink coke at the same time. The Mayan End of the World thing isn’t a myth, so why not see what other myths might be true? If your stomach explodes, who cares - you’re only living 5 more months anyway. 

And with that, I wish you all well this Friday night. Oh, and just so you all know - I hate you.